


Overwhelming

by ajdaubner



Category: Original Work, Poetry - Fandom
Genre: Anger, Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety, Bulimia, Cutting, Death, Depression, Drowning, Eating Disorders, Fear, Imagery, Internalized Transphobia, Mental Illness, Panic Attack, Poetry, Sadness, Self Harm, Suicide, Symbolism, Violence, anxiety attack, self doubt, self hatred, transphobic language, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2018-06-09 03:41:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6888511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ajdaubner/pseuds/ajdaubner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poems I write in my spare time that typically cover topics like self harm, suicide, eating disorders, etc, so please have care while reading.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Panic Attack

Fuck  
I hate this  
This feeling  
Panic  
And fear  
And anger  
And sadness  
It's overwhelming  
And I can't  
Breathe


	2. Beat

'ba-dump'

'ba-dump'

'ba-dump'

Your heart is for

More than just

Beating It's also made for

Loving

Do more with

Your heart

Than just leave it to

_beatbeatbeat_

Until

You

Die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.


	3. Enjoyment

I can't enjoy anything

If the people around me

Have made me upset

It's stressful

To have

Them

Around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading


	4. Imagined Death

I imagined it

The pull of the trigger

The _bang_ of the gun

The bullet going

From my mouth

To the back of my head

Falling over

The blood pouring out

Eyes opened lifeless

It must be the most

Unattractive way to die

 

But

I pulled the  trigger


	5. Self Hate

People tell me that one day, someone will love me

How can that happen, if I loathe myself?

People hate me, because I am

Nothing more, nothing less


	6. Useless

Useless

Stupid

Worthless

Tranny

Cutter

Depressed

Fuck up

Alone

 

Just leave me

No one else loves me

    (Why would you?)


	7. No Point

There's no point

In trying

If it's

Not even

Working


	8. Mama

_"Mama!"_

I screamed

"Open your eyes!"

 

She laid there

Silent and still

It was no surprise

 

Through the winter she'd been sick

And no doctor came by.

 

When summer reached its peak

She gave up and died.

 

Another word she would never speak.

And it was that night,

I finally understood

Why people

Fear

Silence.


	9. Music

The music blares

To ignore others

But more importantly

To lost myself


	10. Already Gone

Do you ever wish

You could just cut yourself

Out of your fucking skin?

 

Do you ever feel

Like you'll just

Never ever win?

 

Do you ever want to

Escape from the world

In a peaceful sleep?

 

Do you ever feel

Like you have just

Fallen too fucking deep?

 

When you're all alone in the dark

Crying out for help

In a silent scream and no one harks

 

When you want to just fall asleep

Never waking up

And never making another peep

 

When your fighting your hardest

Always losing

Always the loneliest

 

when you take a blade and make

Cuts but you

Can't fucking leave your body

 

There are others

Just like you

You have to reach out

In the dark

Groping for a grip so you cant stand

And find your way

 

Then someone grabs hold

But you're already gone

You simply look up and let go

"Let me sink into the fucking ground"

Is all you said


	11. Becoming A Man

A little girl who never wore dresses

Would kick and scream and cry

If you made her wear a skirt

She said she would rather die.

At age three she demanded to be called Mike.

 

A young girl who did her hair and dressed up everyday

Would sob until she fell asleep

The voices never went away.

At age 13 she took a blade to her wrist.

 

A grown man smiled to himself in the mirror

Scruffy facial hair on his chin and jaw

Cosmetic scars on his chest

Battle scars on his wrist

At age 23, he could say he was completely happy.


	12. Rumble and Rain

A rumble of thunder

And then

It begins

The rain comes pouring down

Alone, a raindrop is quiet

The thunder rumbles quietly in the distance

The lightening flashes across the sky

Together, it's  storm

The thunder quiets

The lightening quits

The rain slows

The clouds subside

The storm stops

And there is peace in the calm


	13. Pain

It sounds like a small whine, but it's so much more than that

It holds all the tears and fears and hurt that a human holds

They lock it up inside and ignore it

Until it all comes pouring out

In tears and screams


	14. Strangled and Drowning

You might as well strangle me; I'm already drowning


	15. Who Owns My Heart?

Who owns my heart?

It is not I

But the one closest to me

 

Who owns my heart?

It is not I

But a stranger I saw on the street

 

Who owns my heart?

It is not I

But the laugh of a child

 

Who owns my heart?

It is I

Because the love others gave me

And took from me

Led me to loving myself


	16. I'm Sorry

I'm sorry

I can't help

(I'm just too useless to do anything)

 

_Please don't_

_Apologize_

_No one can fix this situation_

 

I know

(I'm sorry)


	17. I Can't Stay

I want to go

If I stay

I might just

Fall apart

And I can't

Have that because

That means I

Can't help you

Because I'm weaker


	18. Fucking Hell

Fucking hell

I don't want to deal

With this stupidity

Of people

Anymore


	19. Almost a year

Almost a year

Since I last (tried) to kill myself

Over a year

Since I last self-harmed

I doubt myself

Will I last long?

       (or will I fall apart again?)

I want to live

To see my future

I want to live

To see it get better

Where will I be in a year?

Happy, and finishing high school ~~or maybe six feet under?~~

I hope I'll be happy

I want to be loved

And to love others.


	20. i want to die

~~i dont want to be alive~~

~~i dont want to be alive~~

~~idontwanttobealiveidontwanttobealiveidontidontidont~~

~~_i want to die_   
~~

 

~~~~please let me die

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please review or leave kudos or something if you enjoyed it.


End file.
